How Often Do Married Couples Have Sex? Is There a Normal?

As human beings, we all have basic needs. Many people understand the physiological needs like food, water, and shelter. But, in addition to that, one of our basic needs is belonging. This includes affection, connection, intimacy, and sex.

Sex is an interesting subject because it’s something people are so curious about, but society still considers it to be a taboo topic. Whether you’re open about the issue or more conservative, it’s generally a part of every romantic relationship.

You know what your comfort level is, and you know what your frequency is with your partner. What you may find yourself wondering, however, is how normal is your sex life?

Keeping Up With the Jones’

We live in a society that’s obsessed with this idea of a perfect relationship. You can find a plethora of rom coms with characters falling in love followed by intimate love scenes. A popular reading trend, often referred to as smut, has a main theme of steamy encounters.

Social media users have jumped on board of this perfect ideal train, posting content of their "perfect" relationships. It’s hard to scroll without seeing at least one person’s post who depicts “relationship goals.”

Being constantly surrounded by this idea of what perfect and happy should look like, it’s no wonder comparison is such an issue. You may find yourself wondering if your own relationship is considered normal, including intimacy and sex.

It’s important to know that there is no normal when it comes to the frequency of sex within a marriage. Of course there are trends and you can find stats, but it’s a highly personal experience and will have many varying factors that make normal irrelevant.

The Different Phases of Marriage

There are going to be many different seasons of a marriage, especially the longer the years go by. When you first get together, there is usually a high level of passion, desire, and urgency. The connection is new and you’re feeling the spark for the first time. Sex may be an insatiable need in this season.

As your marriage progresses, you lose that newness, which gets replaced with deeper feelings and reality. You start to get into a rhythm and routine.

If you bring children into the mix, certain sexual encounters may slow down or become dormant. Because of shifting priorities, that same spark and desire may dim a bit.

After some time, you’ll go through a period of rediscovery. Sex may become more of a focus again, reigniting that area of life. These phases can come and go like the different seasons of the year.

Understand Your Motivation

If you find yourself asking if your sex life is normal, the first question you should be asking is why. Why is this information vital?

Are you having concerns about your own relationship or feel like your needs aren’t being met in this phase of life? Are you concerned about a loved one who is going through a tough time in their relationship? Do you know someone who is having more sex, and it’s making you think about your own situation?

If your motivation is about your own relationship, you may have an opportunity for personal and intimate growth.

Reframe Your Goals

When considering sex, you shouldn’t be focused on the amount per se. The goal of sex should be connection, having fun, and exploring desires. You don’t want to simply check a box to say it’s happening. Spend some time exploring what intimacy means to each of you and being present in these moments.

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With busy schedules and life’s many demands, it can be easy for sex to get derailed. It’s important to keep intimacy a priority within your marriage. If you’re feeling stuck or not sharing that same connection with your partner, working with a couples therapist can help you reignite your passions. Reach out to us to learn how we can help.