Unmet Childhood Needs and How They Affect Adult Relationships
Most people understand the basic needs of survival. From the moment you’re born, you need food, water, and shelter from your caregivers. But childhood needs go far beyond the basics. If your parents or caregivers didn’t provide the emotional support and understanding you needed as a child, it could impact your life in negative ways today.
That’s not always easy to think about. Maybe you didn’t recognize that your needs weren’t being met at the time. Or maybe you were a victim of child abuse or neglect, and you’ve tried to block those memories from your mind.
Whatever the case, if your childhood needs weren’t met for any reason, it could affect your relationships today. Let’s take a closer look at the potential impact of unmet childhood needs, and what you can do to overcome the issues they might be causing in your life.
Underlying Fears
If your emotional needs weren’t met in childhood, you might have underlying issues worrying about your needs being met as an adult. These fears can manifest as abandonment issues. You might close yourself off from being too vulnerable or allowing yourself to be in deeply committed relationships because you’re afraid of being left. It’s a way to protect yourself, but it keeps you from getting too close to anyone.
Even if you’re in a relationship, you might deal with fears of rejection. If your feelings were rejected as a child, you might have a hard time opening up about your emotions as an adult. No one wants to feel like they don't matter, so when it happens to you from a young age, it can be harder to open up about your true feelings as an adult.
Both of these fears lead to relationships that lack trust and intimacy. It’s difficult to go beneath the surface when you aren’t allowing yourself to open up or your partner to get to know the real you.
Codependency
While some people who have unmet childhood needs struggle with attachment, others become extremely codependent.
Children who don’t have their needs met learn to rely on themselves, which can foster independence into adulthood. However, when they do eventually receive support from a partner, it can quickly turn into an unhealthy need. As an adult, you might not have a healthy idea of how much is too much when it comes to leaning on someone.
As a result, your entire world might start to revolve around your partner. You can lose your sense of self and find your identity completely wrapped up in your partner’s happiness. They’re the ones who will provide your sense of self-worth, and you might constantly seek their approval and validation to feel like your life is worth living.
Communication Issues
When your emotions aren’t heard or validated as a child, you might have a hard time talking about them as an adult. Communication is key when you’re in a healthy relationship. So, struggling to express yourself can cause conflict.
You might avoid talking about your true feelings because you worry about disappointing your partner or starting an argument. Or, you might assume they don’t care about your emotions, so you keep things to yourself. Unfortunately, this causes a vicious cycle. The less you communicate, the more likely it is for misunderstandings and conflicts to occur.
What Can You Do?
The best thing you can do for yourself and your adult relationships is to work with a therapist. Therapy can help you better understand what you experienced as a child. It will make it easier to identify triggers and certain patterns that are holding you back from healthy relationships.
Therapy can also help you develop strategies to strengthen your current relationships and overcome what happened in the past.
If you’re struggling with relationships in your life and these issues sound familiar, don’t hesitate to contact me to set up an appointment for couples therapy.